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*Accomplishing great things

 up the suction hose."        

"Form follows function."

"Dream house for the empty-nester."

"The consummate couch."

"The gas station gal."

"Barking up the wrong tree."

"It's the little things."

"Wannabees and Usetabees."

"A real family operation."

"Mortified member of the obituary book club."

"An event to remember."

"The Age of Citronella."

"Auctioning a life away."

"The ultimate nightmare."

"The heart of a homing pigeon."

"Bashing cell phones."

"Your place or mine?"

"Peak of the color weekend."

"Guns, flowers and getting a grip."

"Virtuoso air guitar."

"O phony Tree, O phony Tree."

"A spaghetti of lights."

"The Murphy's Law hostess."

"An expertise on coat hangers."

"Upgrading the sex-symbol."

"Giving thanks to the turkey in your life."

"Spring cleaning the family genes."

"Sciatica,  of all the nerve."

"Kissing a lot of frogs before 2000."

"The conspiratorial lawnmower."

*"Just desserts for the finicky eater."

"I forgot about Alzheimer's."

"Garden Grouches of the Rectangular Right."

"Shredding the evidence."

"That dreadful C [change] word."

"Evading the chocolate police."

"Not a frequent flier."

"Not a happy camper."

"The Brontosaurus mosquito."

"Body parts recall."

"Devil for hire."

*"The cure for fatal carpeting."

"Sleepus interruptus."

"In rust I trust."

"The Hallmark of success."

"I'd rather wash my hair."

"Upgrading the forked tongue."

"Better homes and junkyards."

"The proverbial five pounds."

"Life after holiday cookies."

"The utility drawer fairies."

"Pointing fingers at Jack Sprat."

"Your decibels vs. mines."

*"Banking on the tooth fairy."

"The handy home solicizapper."

"Outlawing nervous-nellies."

"In praise of procrastination."

"Work at home!"

"Averting the appliance meltdown."

"Animal Planet therapy."

"Restored faith in the human race."

"The cabin fever dance."

"A spineless creature."

"The keys to my nerves."

"Pushing my button."

"Not exactly our Sunday best."

"When the die is cast."

"Heavy Metal takes on the ballet."

"The Thyroid info traffic jam."

"Leaping into Feb-you-airy."

"The Pavlov human experiment."

"Miss Hag [something]."

"Coming clean on the laundry."

"Just an everyday gossip."

"Living right."

"The Black Rock Times."

"The Venus purse trap."

"If the walls could talk."

"The nursing home swans."

"The honeymoon's over on the waterbed."

"A two-headed boss."

"The family-wamily reunion."

"Spring forward, fall behind."

"A high maintenance broad."

"Toys R Them."

"Bidding farewell to Mr. Turkey-lurkey."

"The design-o-phile."

"A whale with no bootstraps."

"I lost it all at my house."

"The sinking of the Hag-tanic."

"A gorilla-sized hot flash."

"Teaching an old hag new tricks."

"Competing for the gold star."

"Teenage skeletons in other closets."

"Factoring in the wife scenario."

"Corporate cootie count."

"A burial of laughs."

"Birth of a mean lasagna."

*"Flunking Car Seat 101."

"In defense of hags everywhere."

"Raining on my parade."

"The life and times of wallpaper."

"Store Alzheimer's."

"The slamming door effect."

"The picture worth 1000 words."

"Mother Nature's biggest

 blunder to date."

"Worst Case Scenario Syndrome."

"Banning the word ‘they.'"

"Speaking of conversations."

"Horse thieves of a new age."

"Selling the house to move into the car."

"Ah, tomatoes."

"The blame game."

"Shot in the heart by St. Valentine."

"Winter Hag-limpics."

"Families that glare together."

"Successful failures."

"The stats are in."

"Thankful to be an ugly ducking."

"Ground hogs and weathermen."

"The runaway calendar."

"An udderly wild idea."

"Occupation pigeon lady."

"Stealing the headlines."

"March cooties."

"Following the yellow brick road."

"Bad mood day."

"A Jackie all trades."

"May Day for the gardenholic."

"Plush digs for an ill-fated critter."

"Business 101."

"World Jeans War III"

"Form follows function."

"Dream house for the empty-nester."

"The consummate couch."

"The gas station gal."

"Barking up the wrong tree."

"It's the little things."

"Wannabees and Usetabees."

"A real family operation."

"Mortified member of the obituary book club."

"An event to remember."

"The Age of Citronella."

"Auctioning a life away."

"The ultimate nightmare."

"The heart of a homing pigeon."

"Bashing cell phones."

"Your place or mine?"

"Peak of the color weekend."

"Guns, flowers and getting a grip."

"Virtuoso air guitar."

"O phony Tree, O phony Tree."

"A spaghetti of lights."

"The Murphy's Law hostess."

"An expertise on coat hangers."

"Upgrading the sex-symbol."

"Giving thanks to the turkey in your life."

"Spring cleaning the family genes."

"Sciatica,  of all the nerve."

"Kissing a lot of frogs before 2000."

"The conspiratorial lawnmower."

*"Just desserts for the finicky eater."

"I forgot about Alzheimer's."

"Garden Grouches of the Rectangular Right."

"Shredding the evidence."

"That dreadful C [change] word."

"Evading the chocolate police."

"Not a frequent flier."

"Not a happy camper."

"The Brontosaurus mosquito."

"Body parts recall."

"Devil for hire."

*"The cure for fatal carpeting."

"Sleepus interruptus."

"In rust I trust."

"The Hallmark of success."

"I'd rather wash my hair."

"Upgrading the forked tongue."

"Laughing at your expense."

"Hot-headed about cold feet."

"What men are made of."

"The invisible raise."

"Requiem for a good dog."

"Diet for an old hag."

"A friendly financial snake."

"Minding my mentors from my discipline square."

"Raising self-esteem."

"The attack of the mirror."

"Inventoryitus and the crowded closet."

"Talking to myself."

"The memory of an elephant."

"Christmas and the annual tree disaster."

"Yes, Virginia, there is a PMS monster."

"A view from the ankle up."

"A mad, mad hag."

"Liar, liar, pants on fire!"

"The calamitous commode."

"The hand-dandy wife on staff."

"Chariot race moments of today."

"Literature of the Third Age."

"Two-timing the clock."

"Reaching the whopper threshold."

"The news that comes back to byte you."

"One stop shopping."

"State of the art junk."

"Here's mud in your eye."

"Cutting back on life."

"The swimming suit horror show."

"Calling all humans!"

"Recovering from Post Traumatic Checkbook Disorder."

"Name-dropping that goes thud."

"Fashions for the derriere crevice."

"Conquering the wilds of kindergarten."

"There once was a crooked house."

"Abetting the rumor mill."

"The wrath of Hurricane Hag."

"A checkered background check."

"A galloping pollster."

"A wolf in sheep's clothing."

"Pick a storm, any storm."

"All that glitters…"

"Extending the five-second rule."

*"A mapless male worth saving."

"Playing the hag card."

"Omitting the month of February."

"A lonely old spamster."

"The turret factor."

*"All in a twitter."

"Falling on deaf ears."

"A well-adjusted critter getter."

"Mirror, mirror."

"The world's newest profession."

"Home again, home again, jiggity jig."

"The homely office."

"The wolf at the door."

"A new and improved hag-zi scheme."

"Death by chocolate."

"A real live hagism."

"Hats off to hats off."

"In search of the designer parking place."

"A local chapter of Crabgrasses."

"The Grinch's of E-money."

"The gold star effect."

* Finalist, semifinalist or honorable mention at HumorPress.com